Approval

I want to be liked. I want people to think I am clever, intuitive, funny, friendly. I get a small rush at a compliment. I have often said that I don't need the reward of high pay or a promotion, just compliment my work and I'll do it for free.

I have spent so much of my life seeking the approval of others all the while hiding dark sin in my life. Even the sin was an attempt to get approval! The struggle was that everybody wanted something different. So to gain my parents' approval, I needed to be one way. To get men's approval, I had to be another way. To get this friend's or that friend's approval, I had yet another set of standards to discover. Often these things were competing with seeking my own pleasure and I ended up in a mess of lies and a chameleon-like behavior that I didn't even know who the real me was anymore.

I could blend with any crowd ... from righteous Christians to dope-smoking Atheists. I could make everyone feel comfortable, say the right things, act the right way and then the reward ... APPROVAL! They like me! Or at least they like who they think I am.

For almost 30 years, I walked around trying to figure out what people wanted and then give them that, never asking myself does God approve.

Paul wrote in the book of Galatians 1:10, "Obviously, I'm not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ's servant." Someone shared in a Bible-study recently where she read that a good question to ask yourself in every situation is, "Am I acting out of fear of man or fear of God?" I think another question should be, "Am I seeking the approval of man or the approval of God?"

The greatest freedom I have experienced in my life came when I stopped the charade,took off all the different skin I had worn and told my whole ugly story, trusting God in His promises to forgive and to restore, seeking only His approval and His glory. I don't have to own my stuff anymore. I get to leave it on the altar of grace, embrace who God made me to be, and walk on, approved by God, for His glory. I can be honest. I can be real. I can be loud. I can be scared. I can be sad. I can be a faulty human being learning to walk by faith. Because God gets me and He approves of me because of Christ.

God asks us to love like He loved. If I seek God's approval, I will always act in the interest of love. Is this the most loving response to this situation? Is this the best way to love this person?

Seeking God's approval simplifies life.

Praise for Prisons

Acts 12 records Peter's miraculous escape from prison. It's such an awesome story. I love that Peter doesn't even realize what is happening until it is all over. I love the excitement that ensues as the church realizes their prayers have been answered and Peter is free and safe.

I know what it feels like to be freed from a prison. Not a physical prison, but a prison of shame and guilt. A prison of past mistakes and ungodly choices. I know how the praise flowed when God freed me from my prison. I, like Peter, did not recognize what God was doing until it was all over.

But then I thought about Paul. He, too, experienced the jubilation of open prison doors, the miraculous freeing from chains. But I know that he also experienced prison and was not miraculously freed. And it was during this time that God used him to write some of the most meaningful letters of his life, letters that encourage and inspire to this day. Paul was content in either circumstance(Philippians 4:11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength).

Here is what I must ask myself. Do I only praise God when He opens the prison doors and frees me? Or have I learned to praise Him even when He leaves me in prison? Do I trust Him in either place? It's easy to praise Him when the doors are opened and prayers are answered the way I want. But I want to learn contentment in all circumstances, prison doors open or prison doors closed, knowing that God is in both and accomplishing His purposes, and I might never know what He was doing.

Identity Crisis

Three months after the move to Houston and I am struggling. I fluctuate between feelings of adventure and feelings of loneliness and sadness. This is nothing new. Each move raises the questions: Who will I be here? What am I supposed to do with my life? In every place we have lived, I set out very quickly to define myself ... get involved, fill up the calendar, volunteer, serve, work, become something ... a teacher, a small group leader, a friend, a Bible study leader. Why? to feel needed, worthy, validated, good, important, and necessary. But strip away the roles and what is left? Who am I really? I feel sad because I feel less than. Less than needed. Less than worthy. Not validated, unimportant, extraneous.

My identity has resided in my roles. And I have worked hard to make sure those roles are good, Christian roles. If I do good, I will be good. But what happens when the roles are gone? Nobody knows who I was in that other place. And so I feel less than.

When I coached figure skating, I wanted to take credit for my awesome students but not take credit for the weak ones. I see this a lot in coaching. When we are blessed to have a talented student, we own it in our coaching talent. But when we have a student who is not so talented, we have all kinds of ways to distance ourselves ... She doesn't practice enough. Her parents are very difficult. She doesn't listen to me. We want to claim the good and blame the bad.

This is exactly what I am doing with myself. I want to own the positive identities in my life. Look at me! Look at how good I am! Look at all the good things I do!

And then God gently whispers, "But what about the other roles you have played? liar. cheater. disloyal friend. self-serving employee. ungrateful wife. And the list goes on. These you want to blame on something else. Claim the good, blame the bad. But I see only Christ! You are a justified, forgiven, redeemed, righteous, holy, pure child of God. This is the only identity that matters. The one I bestow on you because I love you. All else is pride or condemnation, which do not come from Me."

Thank you Lord for opening my eyes and showing me my true identity. I am valued because You died for me, needed because You have a plan for my life, worthy because You call me your child, important for You have good works prepared for me, necessary because I am your ambassador here on earth , and good because Christ lives in me. My identity is in Jesus alone. All else is filthy rags.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Galatians 2:20). "To all who received Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God—children born not of natural descent, not of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God" (John 1:12, 13).

Tears for 1000 gifts

Those who know me best know that I am a voracious reader. I usually have several books going at once, a mix of fiction and non-fiction, Bible studies, magazines, and one or two blogs. I learn so much from reading and I find God treasures in each book that I read. In His ongoing work in my life, God has used books to strengthen me, encourage me, challenge me, and inspire me. Often, I will begin a book and find that it speaks directly to my current experience with the Holy Spirit. I started a book club just to be able to talk about all that I was learning and to share the beauty and treasure of books. But it is rare that a book leaves me speechless.

This past year, God has been teaching me to view all of my life through the lens of His sovereignty, trusting that He is good. I am walking out the difficult lesson of rejoicing in suffering. As an exclamation point in this journey, a friend gave me a book as a going away present. The book was Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts.Very few books actually make me physically cry. This is one of them. Today I read the last page with tears streaming down my face because I knew what I had read was profound and true and beautiful. When I began the book many weeks ago, I had no idea that it would be a life-changing experience. I have told so many people about this book. Not only is the writing poetic and lyrical (it is like reading a piece of art), the truth is so deeply moving, the images so heart-wrenchingly written, that I often would finish a chapter, lay the book across my chest, and meditate on the beauty of what I had read letting it soak deep down into my soul.

This is not a book to be gobbled down in three nights. It is a book to be tenderly cherished page by page, soaking in the truth of grace and eucharisteo, a word that now permanently resides in my vocabulary and a word I new nothing about just two months ago.

I am a highlighter when I read. This book has more yellow than black and white. I am daily looking for His gifts. I am forever growing in gratitude and I am thankful this book has shifted my perspective to its rightful place, thanksgiving for everything. "God is good and all is grace."

Thank you God for words to express the beauty of who You are. Thank you for inspiring writers to bring truth to the page.

Why write?

I have never been a journal keeper. I was told once in a creative writing class in college that I was a terrible writer. Whenever I think about writing, I hear those words. But in the last ten years, I have had several people tell me I should write some things down. Again, the negative thoughts. I don't have anything new to say. I don't write very well. Who cares about my stuff? Aren't there enough people writing already? But I realized that all my negative thoughts and reasons for not writing were tied up in one glaring inaccuracy that revolved around pride ... that my writing would be read by thousands and had to contain some major revelation that would alter future generations. I believed my writing would lead to something. Maybe published? Maybe I'd end up on a talk show explaining my wonderful insights? People would want me to come speak to share my wit and intelligence. Speaking scared me. That was enough to make me push away from the old keyboard. But again and again, people would encourage me, "You should write that down."

This morning as I walked my dog, enjoying the 70 degree breezy temperature and striking, blue sky, God helped me see the real reason I should write which is the very same reason I live, to bring glory to His name. I have a story to tell, a beautiful story of God bringing beauty from ashes. Many people have similar stories. But I never grow tired of hearing about God's amazing work in a life and so, I will add mine to the list. And as I age and my children grow older, I want to remember what He has done and I want my children to know what He has done.

So this blog is His. These posts I write will be my stones of remembrance, my altar to the Lord, my praise and thanks for His redemption and restoration of a life that once looked like charred ashes at the bottom of a pit. I will tell of what He has done, what He is doing, and what He is teaching me along the way. And I will remember His faithfulness and I will glorify Him for the great works He has done. I will write not for my image, my pride, or my reputation and I will write in spite of my fears. I will write for the Lord.