Identity Crisis

Three months after the move to Houston and I am struggling. I fluctuate between feelings of adventure and feelings of loneliness and sadness. This is nothing new. Each move raises the questions: Who will I be here? What am I supposed to do with my life? In every place we have lived, I set out very quickly to define myself ... get involved, fill up the calendar, volunteer, serve, work, become something ... a teacher, a small group leader, a friend, a Bible study leader. Why? to feel needed, worthy, validated, good, important, and necessary. But strip away the roles and what is left? Who am I really? I feel sad because I feel less than. Less than needed. Less than worthy. Not validated, unimportant, extraneous.

My identity has resided in my roles. And I have worked hard to make sure those roles are good, Christian roles. If I do good, I will be good. But what happens when the roles are gone? Nobody knows who I was in that other place. And so I feel less than.

When I coached figure skating, I wanted to take credit for my awesome students but not take credit for the weak ones. I see this a lot in coaching. When we are blessed to have a talented student, we own it in our coaching talent. But when we have a student who is not so talented, we have all kinds of ways to distance ourselves ... She doesn't practice enough. Her parents are very difficult. She doesn't listen to me. We want to claim the good and blame the bad.

This is exactly what I am doing with myself. I want to own the positive identities in my life. Look at me! Look at how good I am! Look at all the good things I do!

And then God gently whispers, "But what about the other roles you have played? liar. cheater. disloyal friend. self-serving employee. ungrateful wife. And the list goes on. These you want to blame on something else. Claim the good, blame the bad. But I see only Christ! You are a justified, forgiven, redeemed, righteous, holy, pure child of God. This is the only identity that matters. The one I bestow on you because I love you. All else is pride or condemnation, which do not come from Me."

Thank you Lord for opening my eyes and showing me my true identity. I am valued because You died for me, needed because You have a plan for my life, worthy because You call me your child, important for You have good works prepared for me, necessary because I am your ambassador here on earth , and good because Christ lives in me. My identity is in Jesus alone. All else is filthy rags.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Galatians 2:20). "To all who received Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God—children born not of natural descent, not of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God" (John 1:12, 13).